Well, hello...

It's so good to be back online again!

But why has it taken you so long? I hear you say. Well, I've had server trouble but I think it's been fixed in quite an ingenious way?

As you know, the old web is a 'difficult squirrel' (as they say in Denmark) and I have scratched and pondered the acorns longly, to get my site just right.

Actually I've just returned from a guided tour of the spanking new server that brings you these glistening pages. My word, what an edifice – what a workforce! Our 'Team' are just beavering away 24/7 to bring you 'content'.

Content: a tiny word that can never ever fully describe the toil involved in bringing you tidbits, so you can have a browse at lunchtime while you scoff your 'All-Day-Breakfast' sandwich.

The cost, the energy and the waste created by this mega-monolith? None! Yes, unbelievably (I was told and I checked) my website is 100% organic, eco-friendly and has zero emissions. We are totally green! I was aghast... but how?

Well, it was when I was shown the door marked 'Cud' that I began to think we were onto something. The door was opened to me and there stood a cow! Yes, a cow chomping away on its own pasture!

I asked the 'Team', 'Is that a real cow and is it connected to our sever?'

'Yes, Sir (they are very formal), it is and it is.'

They went on to explain that every time a nomadic surfer clicks on one of my web pages, a tiny tingle is sent to one of the cow's udders; this makes it produce milk into an urn which is then re-cycled and given to a local school for use at morning break. Not only that, this tingle also makes the cow chew more and, thus, energy is generated to power the server.

Blow me, how green is my silicon valley? Well, I welled up – what a breakthrough!

I had heard that this had been tried before without success. Rumour had it that Coldplay had used badgers to send emails but the badgers were put off by Chris Martin's revolutionary dress sense. Also that Radiohead had banks of caged Robins. Every time a track was downloaded from their site, the Robins would wildly peck tiny keyboards and randomly generate music. And there was I thinking that all of Radiohead's music sounded like it was randomly generated?

Anyways I'm glad I can reach out to you again but spare a thought for our cow when you spill something on your keyboard.